‘Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
- Alfred Tennyson

These lines are often used to refer to a lover, but they speak to all of us who have lost someone we loved.
A father whose daughter had died said to his pastor, “We’d rather have had her for those years than not at all, but there was a while when grief took over.”

Those of use who have been through the experience of sudden, untimely death can relate to both parts of that statement. Of course we could not wish the child had never lived. But there is a time when the pain is all we know.

Yet even when the pain is most severe, we know we would never exchange our life for another’s. A dear friend and mentor, who had had a distinguished career but had never had children, wrote to me after our daughter’s death. Along with her condolences and shared sadness, she wrote, “Some people never have that much to lose.” I couldn’t help thinking she was talking about herself, and the grief I felt for her that moment made me aware again of how much I had been given.

- Martha Whitmore Hickman, “Healing After a Loss.” Harper Collins, (1994).

“People bring us well-meant but miserable consolation when they tell us what time will do to help our grief. We do not want to lose our grief, because our grief is bound up with our love and we could not cease to mourn without being robbed of our affections.”
- Phillips Brooks

Of course time eases our grief, provided we let it follow its course and give it its due. Few of us would want the intensity and desolation of early grief to stay with us forever. That’s not what we’re afraid of. But we may be afraid that we’ll lose the intensity of love we felt for the one we have lost.

At first these two – the grief and the love – are so wedded to each other that we cannot separate them. We cling to the grief in desperation so we will be sure not to lose the love.

Perhaps the grief and the love will always be wedded to each other to some degree, like two sides of a coin. But maybe after a while, when we flip the coin, it will almost always be the love that turns up on top.

Martha Whitmore Hickman. “Healing After a Loss”. New York: Harper Collins, (1994).

We will be offering an 8 week support group “Healing Hearts” for widow and widowers, every Thursday, beginning on February 9, 2012 through March 22, 2012 from 3:00 – 4:30 p.m., at the Shaughnessey Banks Funeral Home, 50 Reef Road, in Fairfield Center. There is no fee for this program. The group will be led by Norma Schmidt, Chaplain at SolAmor Hospice. To register or for more information call Terese Travis-Horvath at 203-255-1031 or Norma Schmidt at 203-301-0489.

- Written by Rebecca Lautenslager

As a licensed Funeral Director, I have the privilege of meeting many of the wonderful families in our community. I have peace of mind knowing I am able to help people through a very trying time in their lives. However, it is unfortunate to see that not all families get along with each other, let alone have the desire to be in the presence of one another. More than once during my career, I have seen cases where the deceased had everything planned and paid for in advance, only to see the survivors come to the funeral home, review the arrangements and completely handle the funeral in the exact opposite of the stated directives. For example, there have been situations where a person had planned a full, traditional service, consisting of visitation and church funeral rites, only to have the children come in and say, “No, we don’t want any of this, just a direct cremation, no services”. It can be an awkward situation, but prior to the recent statute amendment, nothing could be done.

Thankfully, there is now a law that protects people who chose to state their final wishes for their funeral from having to worry their survivors will not follow their plans. There has been an amendment to the Connecticut right of disposition statute, specifically; Section 45a-318 of the Connecticut Code that allows one who is prearranging their funeral to ensure their wishes will be carried out.

Connecticut’s change to the right of disposition statue ensures that the wishes set forth in the preneed contract are binding upon the survivors. It is now stated that anyone eighteen years and older and of sound mind may execute a written document specifying funeral and disposition directives. The individual also has the option of appointing an agent to have the primary authority of making sure the directives are followed. This agent is not required to be a relative. As long as the document is executed before two witnesses, eighteen years or older that provide their signatures, it is binding and must be followed.

Beyond the actual funeral itself, the document also allows for special instructions to be stated. For instance, if there is an estranged or simply undesirable family member that is not wanted at the service that can be stated on the form. It should also be noted that this provision provides protection to a funeral director that reasonably follows the decedent’s instructions that have been executed on the right of disposition form. The law states no person can challenge the funeral director’s decision to honor and carry out the deceased wishes.

In the absence of having this instrument in place, I think it is important to discuss the priority order for the next of kin that would be named in charge of all final arrangements. The list begins with a surviving spouse. Keep in mind people who are “separated” are still legally married and without court intervention, that “spouse” becomes the one that will make all the decisions. Second to be appointed would be surviving adult children. Each child would have equal say in all arrangements. The list continues with surviving parents, surviving adult siblings and so on.

When considering your own family dynamics, you need to think, “Is this who I would trust to make sure my wishes are carried out?” If you foresee a problem, I would suggest executing this form while of sound mind. Even if one does not want to sit down and decide on all the subtle decisions needed to plan a funeral, at least consider appointing an agent that you trust to carry out arrangements in your best interest.

Many of my columns stress the importance of getting funeral arrangements made in advance. There really is no downside to taking care of this matter. I have on many occasions witnessed the extreme relief survivors show when they know they will not have to make all the difficult decisions on their own, because everything was planned in advance. I encourage everyone; young, old, sick or healthy to consider getting their final affairs in order. Anyone who is going to prearrange should be candid with the funeral director regarding family issues that may hinder your final wishes from being followed. At that point, the funeral director would have you execute the document reviewed in this article, to ensure your wishes are binding and carried out. Also, anyone who has prearranged their funerals in the past should revisit this issue with the funeral director. One simple form can make sure no one takes away your final right to a proper funeral.

How Much Does a Funeral Cost?”
Written by Rebecca C. Lautenslager

As we speak to various community groups in town regarding the cost of a funeral, it is clearly evident that the general public does not fully understand the costs involved when arranging a funeral. People seem to think that many services are performed at no cost or that the total cost of a funeral goes directly to the funeral home. This article will attempt to educate consumers on what the cost of a funeral can be expected, as well as providing some insight for miscellaneous charges on the funeral bill.

In general terms, most funerals, whether the disposition is cremation or burial, range from $3,500-$14,000 depending on the type of services selected, the merchandise chosen, and the concierge items added. Please keep in mind that a meaningful funeral service really is not about how much it costs. A funeral is for the living and allows for family and friends to gain closure during the loss of a loved one.

To be in compliance with the Federal Trade Commission, funeral homes are required by law to provide the consumer with a General Price List when discussing services. This is an itemized price list of all the services one may choose when making arrangements. Also, at the conclusion of the arrangement conference, the funeral home must provide the consumer with a written estimate of all funeral costs. We must itemize in the following way: services provided, merchandise selected and cash advances. This article will discuss each category in depth so one can gain a better idea of how the funeral costs all come together.

Services of the funeral home include: basic professional fee for the funeral home and staff, which covers all of the work that needs to be done by the funeral home to handle the service. This would include charges for us to be available twenty-four hours a day to help a family with the death of a loved one, the arrangement conference and all follow up arrangements concerning the funeral, as well as basic overhead fees for the staff and facilities. Other services by the funeral home that may be selected include embalming or refrigeration, dressing and casketing of the deceased, removal from the place of death, a hearse or transportation to another location, limousine and flower car. In addition, you will pay for the services selected, i.e. visitation at the funeral home, type of funeral service, such as church service followed by committal in a cemetery, or a memorial service, graveside service, immediate burial, or some combination of the previously mentioned items.

The next area that you will be charged for is for the merchandise selected. Merchandise items consist of caskets, vaults, urns, register books, prayer cards, acknowledgement cards and funeral programs. As for caskets and vaults, most funeral homes offer this type of merchandise with a wide range of prices to choose from. Oftentimes, casket prices range from around $1000 and up. The same can be said for the price of a vault, which is not required by law, but rather a cemetery requirement. Vaults are required by cemeteries to keep the ground level and to avoid the sinking of graves and headstones, which is not only unsightly, but can be dangerous for visitors.

The part of the funeral bill that may be the most confusing is the issue of cash advance items. Cash advance items included may be, the cost of certified death certificates (currently $20 each in Connecticut), honorarium to the clergy performing the funeral service, fees for the organist and soloist, hairdresser fees, pallbearers (if needed), newspaper obituary fees, police escort, crematory fees, medical examiner’s fees and the opening and closing of the cemetery space. These items described are paid out of pocket by the funeral home and we make no profit on these items. We do this for the convenience of the family so they do not have to write numerous checks to all individuals involved in the funeral. Oftentimes, the cash advance section of the funeral bill can be $1500-$2500, depending on the variables. For example, the funeral home’s portion of the bill (service and merchandise) may be around $7000, but the inclusion of $2500 worth of cash advance items may bring the bottom line to $9500. One may believe the funeral home is making $9500 on the funeral. However, by subtracting the cash advanced items, the cost of staff, and facilities, a funeral home only makes a very modest profit off a single funeral. Daniel M. Isard, president of The Foresight Companies, LLC, a management and financial consulting firm based in Phoenix, recently announced the updated figures for the rate of indigenous inflation within the funeral profession for 2008, according to a news release. It was found that the inflation rate for the funeral industry called the Funeral Service Inflation (“FSI”) shot up to 8.91 % whereas the Consumer Price Index (“CPI”) for the same period is only 3.84 %. These numbers can reasonably conclude that the funeral industry has a much higher cost of doing business than many other consumer areas.

As a funeral professional, I often hear the grumblings of how expensive funerals are. Taking into consideration the FSI increase and overall cost of running a business in Fairfield Center, I think it is important to point out some general profit numbers to help the public understand how the business works. According to the Foresight press release, the profit margin for a funeral home in 2007 was on average 6.17 %. In contrast, the profit margin twenty-five years ago was on average 13.73 % showing the profit margins for funeral homes have dramatically decreased over the last quarter century. These staggering numbers can be directly related to the high inflation rate and increase in the cost of running a funeral business. So remember, if a funeral’s bottom line is $9,500, by no means is the funeral home pocking $9,500. You must consider all the costs involved in running a twenty-four hour, seven day a week business and expect to pay for those services.

Finally, I would like to address the issue of purchasing grave spaces. The average cost of a grave is approximately $1800-$2500 per grave, and around $750-$1500 for a cremation space. On top of this charge, will be the eventual opening and closing fee of the grave which ranges from $950-$1700 for ground burial, and around $450-$850 for a cremation burial. Please keep in mind that these prices may go up, so buying grave spaces in advance can save you money in the long run.

Most funeral homes welcome the opportunity to provide information to you regarding the projected cost of a funeral you might choose for yourself or a loved one. There is absolutely no obligation to go to a particular funeral home, even if you should inquire about their pricing structure. Since there are over ninety items to decide about when arranging a funeral, advanced education is key.

“But, Gran, is everything really all right? Really?” It is completely cosmic questioning, coming from a small girl in a white nightgown with a toothbrush in her hand, sensing the unfamiliar surrounding the familiar……I must answer it for her, looking down at her serious, upturned face…”Yes, Lena, it is all right.” And the two little girls and I climb into the fourposter bed to sing songs and tell stories.
-Madeleine L’Engle

“Is everything all right? Really?” Though it assumes different aspects at different times, it is our most basic question. It is behind our ventures into theology and ethics, behind our anguished dreams, our fears and hopes as we stand at the bedside of loved ones, as we confront the mystery of death. There is no way we can know all the particulars on how “all right” everything is. But if we can trust that behind life’s mysteries and dilemmas that is a Creator who knows what is going on and who wishes us well, that’s a very good start. And then what? What could be better than to sing songs and tell stories?

Martha Whitmore Hickman. “Healing After a Loss”. New York: Harper Collins, (1994).

What is there to do when people die – people so dear and rare – but bring them back by remembering?
- May Sarton

One of the truly helpful customs of recent years is that of providing an occasion – in the context of a memorial service or in some other specified setting – where mourners are encouraged to share memories of the one who has died. There will be tears. There may be laughter. There will certainly be a sense of richness as the person is remembered, his or her nature and history celebrated.

This process will go on and on – at family gatherings, at random times when a story comes to mind and is shared. This is invariably a lift. Even when the stories are not particularly complimentary, they bring back to us the complex and loved personality and life of the one we miss.

Conversely, one of the saddest mistakes survivors make is, out of their pain, never to speak of the loved one again. Such silence, far from diminishing the pain, just causes it to build up and may result in life-pervading bitterness.

So let’s talk. Let’s remember. Of course, not every occasion with family and friends is an occasion for recalling. But we are more apt to err on the side of silence.

- Hickman, Martha Whitmore. “Healing After a Loss”. New York: Harper Collins, (1994).

On Wednesday, November 2, 2011 at 6:oo p.m., you are invited to attend an informative discussion regarding end of life care.

1. What is Hospice and What Does Medicare Cover? – Norma Schmidt from SolAmor Hospice
2. Estate Planning and Title 19 Spendowns- Atty. Jennifer Hauhuth, Eldercare Attorney
3. Preplanning a Funeral- Funeral Directors, Pamala Shaughnessey and Rebecca Lautenslager

This event will be held at the funeral home. Please RSVP to Terese Travis-Horvath 203-255-1031 or tatravis@sbcglobal.net

When my father was an old man, he surprised me by remarking that he understood what my mother’s death meant to me but had no idea what to do about it. I think it would have been something if he had just said this.
- William Maxwell

One of the delicate issues within a family that has lost a loved one is how much and what to say to one another. Perhaps it will help if we can talk about the process-”Do you feel like talking now, or would you rather be left alone?” “I’d like to talk about ________, but if you’d rather not now or ever, that’s okay.” We need to be as sure as we can that we are not misinterpreting one another’s signals, and often, there’s no way to find that out without asking.

Particularly with children, we may refrain from acknowledging their grief and ours in some effort to protect them. They need our sharing, not our silence. What is unspoken is often more fearful than shared pain. Children are no strangers to tears and puzzlement. They need us, as we need them.
-Martha Whitmore Hickman

A new day rose upon me. It was as if another sun had risen in the sky; the heaven were indescribably brighter, and the earth fairer; and that day has gone on brightening to the present hour.
-Orville Dewey

When we are bogged down in heavy grief, can we believe such a day will ever come? A person recovering from a serious illness said, “It’s almost worth having been sick because I appreciate all over again how wonderful it is to be well.”

It doesn’t happen for a while. But if we are blessed with good friends and a faith that can help us through the bad times, then a time will come when we reawaken to the beauty of life around us as to a new morning-to a world of incredible beauty and promise.

If you can’t feel this way yet, stay with your grief. But keep the promise in mind that one day, having survived the worst, you will encounter the best, and probably with new appreciation because of what you’ve been through.

Martha Whitmore Hickman, “Healing After a Loss.” Harper Collins, (1994).