“People bring us well-meant but miserable consolation when they tell us what time will do to help our grief. We do not want to lose our grief, because our grief is bound up with our love and we could not cease to mourn without being robbed of our affections.”
- Phillips Brooks

Of course time eases our grief, provided we let it follow its course and give it its due. Few of us would want the intensity and desolation of early grief to stay with us forever. That’s not what we’re afraid of. But we may be afraid that we’ll lose the intensity of love we felt for the one we have lost.

At first these two – the grief and the love – are so wedded to each other that we cannot separate them. We cling to the grief in desperation so we will be sure not to lose the love.

Perhaps the grief and the love will always be wedded to each other to some degree, like two sides of a coin. But maybe after a while, when we flip the coin, it will almost always be the love that turns up on top.

Martha Whitmore Hickman. “Healing After a Loss”. New York: Harper Collins, (1994).

We will be offering an 8 week support group “Healing Hearts” for widow and widowers, every Thursday, beginning on February 9, 2012 through March 22, 2012 from 3:00 – 4:30 p.m., at the Shaughnessey Banks Funeral Home, 50 Reef Road, in Fairfield Center. There is no fee for this program. The group will be led by Norma Schmidt, Chaplain at SolAmor Hospice. To register or for more information call Terese Travis-Horvath at 203-255-1031 or Norma Schmidt at 203-301-0489.

- Written by Rebecca Lautenslager

As a licensed Funeral Director, I have the privilege of meeting many of the wonderful families in our community. I have peace of mind knowing I am able to help people through a very trying time in their lives. However, it is unfortunate to see that not all families get along with each other, let alone have the desire to be in the presence of one another. More than once during my career, I have seen cases where the deceased had everything planned and paid for in advance, only to see the survivors come to the funeral home, review the arrangements and completely handle the funeral in the exact opposite of the stated directives. For example, there have been situations where a person had planned a full, traditional service, consisting of visitation and church funeral rites, only to have the children come in and say, “No, we don’t want any of this, just a direct cremation, no services”. It can be an awkward situation, but prior to the recent statute amendment, nothing could be done.

Thankfully, there is now a law that protects people who chose to state their final wishes for their funeral from having to worry their survivors will not follow their plans. There has been an amendment to the Connecticut right of disposition statute, specifically; Section 45a-318 of the Connecticut Code that allows one who is prearranging their funeral to ensure their wishes will be carried out.

Connecticut’s change to the right of disposition statue ensures that the wishes set forth in the preneed contract are binding upon the survivors. It is now stated that anyone eighteen years and older and of sound mind may execute a written document specifying funeral and disposition directives. The individual also has the option of appointing an agent to have the primary authority of making sure the directives are followed. This agent is not required to be a relative. As long as the document is executed before two witnesses, eighteen years or older that provide their signatures, it is binding and must be followed.

Beyond the actual funeral itself, the document also allows for special instructions to be stated. For instance, if there is an estranged or simply undesirable family member that is not wanted at the service that can be stated on the form. It should also be noted that this provision provides protection to a funeral director that reasonably follows the decedent’s instructions that have been executed on the right of disposition form. The law states no person can challenge the funeral director’s decision to honor and carry out the deceased wishes.

In the absence of having this instrument in place, I think it is important to discuss the priority order for the next of kin that would be named in charge of all final arrangements. The list begins with a surviving spouse. Keep in mind people who are “separated” are still legally married and without court intervention, that “spouse” becomes the one that will make all the decisions. Second to be appointed would be surviving adult children. Each child would have equal say in all arrangements. The list continues with surviving parents, surviving adult siblings and so on.

When considering your own family dynamics, you need to think, “Is this who I would trust to make sure my wishes are carried out?” If you foresee a problem, I would suggest executing this form while of sound mind. Even if one does not want to sit down and decide on all the subtle decisions needed to plan a funeral, at least consider appointing an agent that you trust to carry out arrangements in your best interest.

Many of my columns stress the importance of getting funeral arrangements made in advance. There really is no downside to taking care of this matter. I have on many occasions witnessed the extreme relief survivors show when they know they will not have to make all the difficult decisions on their own, because everything was planned in advance. I encourage everyone; young, old, sick or healthy to consider getting their final affairs in order. Anyone who is going to prearrange should be candid with the funeral director regarding family issues that may hinder your final wishes from being followed. At that point, the funeral director would have you execute the document reviewed in this article, to ensure your wishes are binding and carried out. Also, anyone who has prearranged their funerals in the past should revisit this issue with the funeral director. One simple form can make sure no one takes away your final right to a proper funeral.